One of the most damaging things in a person’s life may be an abusive or manipulative relationship.
Many times we are blind to the manipulation tactics that the people we love use against us. The people whom we are closest to and depend on the most can also be some of the biggest obstacles in achieving happiness or finding success.
Relationships with an abusive or manipulative person can be impossible to change, sometimes it is better to walk away and move on with your on life so that you can grow as a person and reach your full potential.
This too may seem difficult or even impossible when it is a parent, spouse, or other significant person in your life.
By learning to spot these Manipulation Tactics in others you can better react in a positive way to protect yourself from further harm or set-backs.
- Confused by all the slang terms? Start Here,
- A Glossary of Narcissistic Slang Terms
- 1. Lying
- 2. Insinuating Comments
- 3. Discourage and Criticize
- 4. Diminish and Dismiss
- 5. Monitor and Stalk
- 6. Intrude and Interrupt
- 7. Deflection, Diversion, and Evasion
- 8. Amplification
- 9. Emotional Blackmail
- 10. Emotional Barriers
- 11. Guilt Trip
- 12. Inappropriate Restrictions
- 13. Threats
- 14. Objectifying
- 15. Shaming
- 16. Blaming
- 17. Invalidation
- 18. Silent Treatment
- 19. Negative Reinforcement
- 20. Positive Reinforcement
- 21. Hurt and Rescue
- 21. Love Bombing
- 22. Crazy Making
- 23. Gaslighting
- 24. Rationalization
- 25. Infantilize
- 25. Triangulation
- 26. Splitting
- 26. Double Blind
- 27. Double-Mindedness
- 28. Doublethink
- 29. Covert Aggressive Abuse
- 30. Setting up to Fail
- 31. Moving the Goalpost
- 32. Feigning Innocence or Confusion
- 33. Vilifying the Victim
- 34. Playing the Victim Role
- 35. Minimization
- 36. Symbolic Aggression
- 37. Trance
- 38. Brandishing Anger
- 39. Brainwashing
- 40. Scapegoating
- 41. Gang Stalking
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Confused by all the slang terms? Start Here,
A lie is a false statement deliberately presented as the truth. Some manipulators will say anything to get what they want.
They will do it frequently and improve over time until it comes natural. They also use lies of omission which means instead of making deceptive statements, they simply withhold the truth.
The goal of omission is to isolate the victim behind a wall of secrecy in order to exploit the fact that they are unaware of some important knowledge to him or her.
2. Insinuating Comments
The manipulator knows the victim’s weaknesses and buttons.
They purposely push and pull on these to get a reaction. Often they will speak with double entendres or innuendos to confuse and hurt the victim simultaneously while maintaining plausible deniability of any hurtful intention.
The goal is to drain the victim emotionally, wear them down, and to feed the manipulator’s ego or sense of power/control.
3. Discourage and Criticize
The criticism is not for negative behaviors but rather to discourage positive outlets the victim may have to express themselves.
Any attempts to join a social club, team, or organization will be discouraged, undermined, or sabotaged by the manipulator. Any attempts to be creative artistically, musically, or otherwise will be criticized and the victim’s work belittled.
The goal is to crush the victim’s self-esteem and isolate the person from anything which might garnish him or her praise or attention from others.
4. Diminish and Dismiss
The victim’s ideas, opinions, or cries for help, are either verbally or non-verbally (eye-roll, smug smile, scoffs, ect.) diminished, dismissed, overlooked, undervalued, or simply ignored.
The goal is to make the victim less willing to voice their wishes or grievances. When multiple people work together with these manipulation tactics against the victim this can leave him or her completely isolated and vulnerable with a strong feeling of hopelessness and nowhere to turn.
5. Monitor and Stalk
The manipulator is always present, lurking behind the victim’s back, or from a good safe distance, keeping an eye on him or her.
If the manipulator is narcissistic or psychopathic it is common for them to monitor the victim’s computer or phone, and even use surveillance equipment in order to follow the person’s every move.
The goal here is simple, maintain knowledge of everything the victim says and does, their coming and goings, and who they know.
6. Intrude and Interrupt
The manipulator has no respect for another person’s boundaries, they will say and do whatever they please in front of, behind the back of, or towards their victims, regardless of objections or morals.
If done covertly the victim will have no idea what damage has been done until it’s too late. The goal of this manipulation tactic is to cut the victim off from speaking up, gaining support, or making positive changes, either for themselves or the people around them. (Also known as enmeshment.)
7. Deflection, Diversion, and Evasion
When the manipulator is asked a direct question or called out on a lie, they will either deflect the conversation back onto the victim, “How dare you accuse me of that!” or they will steer the conversation onto another topic as a diversion, or will give an irrelevant, vague, and meaningless response instead.
The goal is to create confusion, throw the victim off balance, and avoid any responsibility for their actions.
The manipulator will shout out your failures and whisper your successes. Any limelight the victim deserves will be diminished.
Their accomplishments will go unnoticed and their shortcomings will be broadcast far and wide. The goal is to drain the victim of the energy to be successful, to make them doubt themselves, so that the manipulator can be the center of attention at all times while belittling the victim.
9. Emotional Blackmail
Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or confirmation of identity, and self-esteem, manipulators will threaten to withhold the emotional support the victim desires or needs, or even take it away altogether, making the person feel that he or she must meet the demands of the manipulator.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to ensure that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way, or guilty if they resist.
10. Emotional Barriers
Whenever the victim gets upset and question the manipulator or complains about something they’re doing, the manipulator turn the focus on the victim’s angry or upset state.
The manipulator becomes demeaning about the victim’s objection to his or her poor treatment. The victim could also be attacked for being happy about something. The goal of this manipulation tactic is to frustrate and suppress the victim’s emotions in order to dodge the blame for wrongdoing or maintain control of them (corral).
11. Guilt Trip
A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish, has more than they deserve, or got it too easy, regardless of how much or little the victim actually does or not, or what the manipulator has ever contributed.
The goal is keeping the victim in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.
12. Inappropriate Restrictions
A person has the right to be taken seriously, to develop their potential, explore and express their interests, and to find meaning and fulfillment in their relationships and lives.
The manipulator will engage in ongoing behaviors that inappropriately restrict the victim’s life. The goal is to hold him or her back from success, happiness, or anything else the manipulator does not deem the victim worthy of.
Rarely in the physical form, but more usually they are cognitive and social in nature. One of the biggest such threats is that of social exclusion, which affects our need to belong to a family, lover, etc.
Threats do not change minds, but they are often very effective at changing how people act, at least in the short term. The goal is effectively taking control of the victim’s life/choices, if done violently to terrify him or her into subordination.
The manipulator treats the victim as a tool for their own purposes. This could be sexually, or to simply damage and destroy, for their own gratification.
The goal here is to dehumanize the victim, to the level of that of an object, as if there is no need for concern for the victim’s feelings or experiences. If done long enough the victim will also feel the same about themselves.
Shame is an extremely painful state to be in and is a very powerful weapon. The manipulator loves to humiliate their victims frequently with put-downs, expressions of disgust, contempt, disappointment, etc, often while in the presence of others.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to make the victim feel worthless and inadequate, or at least appear that way, in order to subdue them into submission.This can create a “vicious cycle” in the victim’s mind of negative feelings or thoughts that recur throughout their life.
The victim is held responsible for the harm they suffered. The victim brought it all upon themselves and the manipulator is in no way responsible for their actions.
The victim made all the choices which brought them trouble or pain regardless of how much they were manipulated into doing so. The goal is to put the victim on the defense which makes them look and feel guilty while simultaneously masking the manipulator’s malicious intentions.
Whatever pain the manipulator has put you through either didn’t happen or wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Often times it may be accompanied by a remark such as “I’m sorry you feel that way.” As if the victim’s grief, anguish, pain, is irrelevant, inconsequential, or otherwise all in their own head or has nothing to do with the manipulator.
The goal is to cause the victim further pain, make them question their own feelings, induce doubt or craziness, and to lift any feeling of guilt the manipulator may feel.
18. Silent Treatment
The manipulator refuses to communicate and uses emotional and/or physical withdrawal as punishment.
This is to convey contempt and communicates that the person is not worthy of the manipulator’s acknowledgement. The goal is to render the victim powerless to change the current situation and induce feelings of abandonment or rejection.
If the manipulator withdraws emotionally the victim can become love starved for their affection/attention.
19. Negative Reinforcement
The manipulator will only give positive attention on a random basis to keep their victim off balance emotionally. The goal is to increase the manipulators control over him or her by making them desperate for the manipulator’s love and attention.
Then the manipulator will continue to use negative behavior and only stop when the victim complies with demands.
20. Positive Reinforcement
If a manipulator gives a gift it is only because they expect something in return, or to deceive others into believing they genuinely care.
Compliance is bought and paid for with gifts, attention, approval, money, and superficial charm, interest, or concern for the victim.
As like negative reinforcement the manipulator will retract anything positive as soon as the victim fails to comply with demands of the manipulator, hence proving it was superficial all along.
21. Hurt and Rescue
A drowning person will clutch at a straw, so push them in the water, then throw them a rope. Hurting the other person does not necessarily mean physical harm and it may not even mean making them feel bad, but it does mean creating a situation that they want to resolve.
The goal is to get the victim to play into the manipulators hands so they can rush to their “rescue” only to trick the victim into trusting, believing, or becoming dependent upon them.
21. Love Bombing
Is an attempt by the manipulator to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. The manipulator appeals to the target’s vanity and insecurity.
Their interest in the victim will be extreme once they have found their target and their “love” for the victim will be incredibly intense.
Its purpose is to override the target’s critical thinking skills so that the abuser can control and manipulate. Essentially they will gain control over their victim by making their emotional state dependent on the manipulator.
22. Crazy Making
The manipulator says or does something and later denies ever saying or doing such things.
The goal is to make the victim doubt their own sanity and perception of reality. Driving them slowly and systematically mad over multiple occurrences.
This effect can be heightened/increased when the manipulator employs others to act the same.
Is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.
Typically this undermines the victims support group carried out by a combination of other tactics synthesized into a large scale attack on said victim.
The manipulator justifies and makes excuses for their behavior. They create false reasons or fake angles which make their actions seem more understandable, acceptable, and appropriate through the use of spin.
This is often done around others, behind the back of the victim. The manipulator may have a different rationalization depending on the type of people they are talking to at the time.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to get the victim off the manipulators case so they can continue doing whatever they feel they are entitled to do while suggesting the victim is dumb, too inexperienced, or otherwise doesn’t understand the manipulator properly.
The manipulator does not acknowledge their victims maturity either emotionally or psychologically.
The victim is treated as if they have no knowledge of life or experience dealing with life’s challenges. T
he goal is to reduce a person to that of an infant or child, lowering their status in the social order, and stripping them of the ability to make choices, both in the victim’s mind and the manipulator’s.
Is a situation in which one family member or friend will not communicate with the victim, or will be friendly with the victim, while turning other family members or friends against them.
This can take many forms and usually incorporates Gaslighting. There is always a covert element which leads to pitting the victim against others without the victim being fully aware of what is taking place.
The goal is to isolate (divide), and conquer the victim while controlling their support system.
Also called black and white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking.
It’s the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. This is exemplified in a family who has both a golden-child and scapegoat. T
he golden-child can do no wrong and the scapegoat is a complete burden and failure as a person.
The manipulator does this as an attempt to stabilize their sense of self-esteem, by perceiving themselves as purely upright, admirable, or superior and others who do not conform to their will or values as purely wicked or contemptible.
26. Double Blind
In the manipulator’s eyes the victim is damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Regardless of which choice is picked the manipulator will always point out that the person should have picked the other.
This may be accompanied by remarks such as “Well if you had done this I would have done something great for you, but forget about it now.”
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to beat the victim down psychologically and emotionally, in order make him or her question and doubt their own intuition and judgment.
The manipulator seeks the double advantage of being able to do wrong, of being able to have their will, of letting their passions rage, and the hypocritical advantage of seeming to be good, helpful, or supportive.
In short, double-mindedness is to say one thing and do another, to do unto others what they are not willing to be be done unto them.
The manipulator can only accomplish said task by engaging in the self deception of doublethink.
To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it is needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself.
29. Covert Aggressive Abuse
Insults are disguised as teachings, helping, giving advice, and offering solutions. The manipulator makes them appear as a sincere attempt to help, especially to others.
This can also be followed by put-downs, and disappointment from the manipulator and anyone else who they have convinced of the victim’s inferiority.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to belittle, control, and demean the victim while covering up the appearance of wrongdoing on the manipulators behalf.
30. Setting up to Fail
The manipulator puts their victim in such a state of stress, or stressful situation, that failure is almost certain, wherein the outcome can be used as ammunition to discredit and blame the victim.
This can be done covertly as well, using sabotage or undermining an objective that may otherwise have been achievable. This type of manipulation tactic may be the projection of the bully’s own feelings of inadequacy onto the victim.
31. Moving the Goalpost
When the manipulator has control of the situation they will re-define the victim’s goals, in reality, to intentionally devise a way so as to assure that an athlete, for example, will ultimately never be able to finally achieve the ever shifting goals.
Depending on how this is done the goal may be to humiliate the victim, keep them preoccupied so as to accomplish nothing else with their time, or to simply wear them out.
32. Feigning Innocence or Confusion
The manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was unintentional or that they did not do something that they were accused of. The manipulator may put on a look of surprise or indignation.
The manipulator may also try to play dumb by pretending he or she doesn’t know what the victim is talking about or is confused about an important issue brought to their attention.
The goal is to make the victim question his or her own judgment and possibly their own sanity. When others are deceived by a manipulator this way the victim feels powerless.
33. Vilifying the Victim
More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator, while the manipulator falsely accuses the victim as being an abuser in response when the victim stands up for or defends themselves or their position.
The goal is to build resentment for the victim and put them on trial before he or she is even aware something is wrong, or make them feel guilty enough to question their position.
34. Playing the Victim Role
The manipulator portrays him or herself as a victim of circumstance, that their behavior is only because of someone else’s, or was the only way to handle the situation they accidentally found themselves in at the time.
The manipulator was “taken for a ride” by the person or people that are being manipulated.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby escaping any blame for wrongdoing or even getting support and cooperation from unsuspecting outsiders.
The manipulator asserts that their behavior isn’t really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. Often times down playing the behavior by comparing it to others, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone,” or such logic may be present.
The goal is to make a molehill out of a mountain, thus letting the manipulator continue the abusive behavior, or at least escape much of the guilt.
36. Symbolic Aggression
This could be something as small as giving a “look” or some other gesture. Often times it is slamming a door, punching a wall, or throwing something, otherwise a show of force not directed towards the victim.
A more extreme case would be brandishing a weapon, or at least making it known to the victim that a weapon does exist and at the manipulator’s disposal, but in a possibly non-threatening way.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to put the victim on warning and intimidate/terrify them into compliance with future demands.
If the manipulator is a psychopath, their intense presence and laser-like focus on their victim will cause a trance-like state. He or she will become hyper-focused on the manipulator and vice-versa.
Everything they say and do seems undeniably right if for no other reason than pure force of will power.
The goal is to render the victim psychologically defenseless. The experiences during these trances are permanently seared into the victim’s psyche and can be difficult to recover from.
38. Brandishing Anger
The manipulator puts on an act of furious explosive anger, verbal abuse, or physical threats.
If the victim is in a trance or has previously been manipulated by the abuser, with just one incident of such behavior the victim can become conditioned and trained to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator ever again.
The goal is to establish dominance or superiority, and complete and unquestionable compliance, over victims through fear.
Also referred to as heart washing, is the act of changing a person’s mind or heart by using extreme mental or emotional pressure or abuse.
This is typically done when the victim is extremely outmatched by their manipulator either mentally, physically, economically, or socially. This can be achieved a number of ways but usually the victim is in a situation the feel they can’t escape, and will involve several tactics simultaneously.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is to convince the victim into believing their viewpoints about life, people/person, or the world are immature or pathetic, and need to be realigned to the viewpoint of the manipulator.
Manipulator subjects the “whipping boy” to constant negative treatment and blame they don’t deserve. Manipulators unconsciously project their own unwanted feelings and problems onto the victim.
The punishment which the scapegoat has to endure is a direct projection of the manipulator’s own insecurities.
Scapegoating is a deliberate act of torment against another person for the cathartic pleasure of the manipulator and their cohorts.
41. Gang Stalking
Is a form of community mobbing and organized stalking combined. Just like you have workplace mobbing, and online mobbing, which are both fully recognized as legitimate, this is the community form.
Gang stalking is organized harassment at it’s best, and a suicide inducing attack at its worst. It is the targeting of an individual for revenge, jealousy, sport, or to keep them quiet, etc., by a group of people.
The goal of this manipulation tactic is an organized psychological attack that can completely destroy a person’s life, while leaving little or no evidence to incriminate the perpetrators.
- Seeing the 6 warning signs of a toxic relationship
- 15 Characteristics of a Sociopath
- Recognizing and Responding To The Types of Abuse
- This Is the Difference Between Normal Fighting and Verbal Abuse
- Crazy Stuff Narcissists Say
- The Steps of Loving a Narcissist
- What To Expect When You Break Up With A Narcissist
- 25 Subtle Signs of Trauma Bonding
These Manipulation Tactics erode, suppress, subjugates, and degrades the victim’s sense of self and diminishes their social standing in an effort to dominate and control.
Everybody has possibly used or do use some of these behaviors from time to time, but all of these are considered antisocial, and are indicative of personality disorders.
Often times these patterns of manipulative behavior are insidious and they might take years to see and realize in others especially if you have been abused before or are overly forgiving.
Just like any other strategy, it becomes less effective when it is known and named.