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Dear White Friends,

* I generally write using the pronouns he/him when referring to narcissists, but females are just as likely to be narcissists or exhibit narcissistic traits. So please don't think just because article uses the word him or he that it could not be a woman in that same role.

Dear White Friends, 

I am racist.  

So are you. 

This is not my opinion.  

This is a fact. 

Multiple times this week, I have been asked to share anti racism resources – not because I am an anti racism educator or expert (I am most certainly neither), but because I have talked about race on my podcast and I have openly shared my experiences learning about my own racism.

I have a few requests of you, my white friends, first:

1. Get past your ego and own that you are racist. Again, this is a fact. 

If you have white skin, you have benefited from your skin tone your entire life.  That is a neutral fact.  Black and brown people have suffered tremendously because of the system that allows you to benefit.  Again, neutral fact. 

2. Learning about your racism will be uncomfortable. 

Don’t be fragile or precious.  Walk into the discomfort.  You’re going to be here for awhile.  Likely the rest of your life – because that is what is required to undo a lifetime of conditioning around your privilege.  It’s ok to be uncomfortable.  Get comfortable being uncomfortable. 


Learn from people of color who make a living educating others on race.  Do not ask your black friends, neighbors or co workers to educate you for free.  They are exhausted and owe you no education or explanations.  PAY BLACK EDUCATORS who so generously put in the emotional and mental labor to share their stories, their history, and their brilliance.  

4. Don’t expect people of color to hold your hand and sing you lullabies as they educate you. 

They will likely make you uncomfortable – perhaps even mad.  Sit with that.  It’s not their job to teach in a way that coddles you.  They have endured a lifetime of discomfort.  It is appropriate and necessary for you to feel uncomfortable as you learn from them. 

5. When you see racism in action name it, call it out, take a stand against it. 

Yes, this will be uncomfortable. 

6. When you find yourself in spaces of only white people, ask why that is. 

If you lead spaces of only white people, ask why that is.  Yes, this will be uncomfortable. 

7. Teach your children about race, racism and skin tone. 

This is not a “wait until they are old enough” conversation.  They are old enough now.   

8. Know that you’re going to say and do offensive things while you’re learning about your racism. 

Own your mistakes and missteps.  And, again, don’t be fragile or precious.  Keep learning so you can keep doing better. 

9. Be a resourceful, responsible, more anti racist citizen by learning from these educators. 

PAY THEM.  Buy their books, sign up for their talks and courses and events.  Give money to the causes they share.  

Be a better citizen by committing to learning and unlearning in active ways.  Also, it’s really gross and selfish and well, racist, to benefit from learning from a women of color’s social media feed and not actually pay her for her contributions by purchasing her books and resources. 

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Friends of color, if I’ve said anything insensitive or inaccurate or racist in this post, feel free to offer feedback.  I certainly do not expect you to educate me, but I’m always learning and open to your input if you want to provide it.  I’ll be continuing my own work, too.

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