* I generally write using the pronouns he/him when referring to narcissists, but females are just as likely to be narcissists or exhibit narcissistic traits. So please don't think just because article uses the word him or he that it could not be a woman in that same role.
First of all it is important to distinguish the real self-love and fake self-love that we mistake for real self-love sometimes.
Real Self-love is genuine and full acceptance of self, you are fine the way you are, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone else or yourself – and because you’ve accepted yourself you become more open and accepting towards others.
Fake self-love is the egoistical self-centered sense of being whereby you only “love” yourself when you’ve “won” vs others, when you consider yourself “better” than others or when you are getting closer to the idealised version of self.
This is unsustainable and not authentic love for self, as when you truly love and accept yourself you don’t need to compare yourself to others and you don’t need to constantly “become better” than your current self because you already love yourself.
Most people are unhappy in their lives because they don’t accept and love themselves.
The only difference is some are conscious of that and some are even too afraid to admit it so they hide behind materialism, image, career, money, you name it (big unhealthy egos usually arise here).
When you are conscious of that, that’s fantastic, you have made the first step – please pat yourself on the back 🙂 really!
It takes a lot of strength to admit that to yourself.
The right next step is to ask yourself how can I cultivate that real self-love.
It’s not easy, I am still on this path but it’s gradual and when you see yourself progressing on it, it truly is amazing.
Table of Contents
- Here are some rule that have helped me cultivate that real self-love.:
- 3. Mindfulness and loving kindness.
- How to love yourself now?
Here are some rule that have helped me cultivate that real self-love.:
1. When you make choices / decisions ask yourself “what would I do if I truly loved and accepted myself?”.
Even if you haven’t accepted yourself it puts you in the right mindset and your decisions will reinforce the real self-love
2. Aim to free yourself of any attachment.
You are not you things, you are not your job, you are not your partner, you are not your friends, you are not your money.
You are you.
We cling on to our things because they help us define ourselves- all because we don’t love ourselves.
Stay true to yourself and if that means some people won’t accept you because of it – that’s fine because you are accepting yourself.
Doesn’t it feel amazing when you acted naturally and did what was true to you ?
3. Mindfulness and loving kindness.
Please, meditation is not just a buzz word, it’s an incredibly powerful psychological practice that really allows you to transform your thinking.
I have meditated for 3 months now and it has helped me to have a clearer mind, love myself and others more and be able to see things without my ego getting involved
4. Do more of things that bring you true joy and not just pleasure.
For example, think about what activities make you most happy or brought you most joy when you were a kid / teenager.
It could be drawing, reading a book, helping someone, playing an instrument, etc.
It must be true joy and not just superficial pleasure from activities like getting wasted, having sex, etc – those are not necessarily forbidden, it’s just that they won’t help you cultivate that real self love.
5. Bringing your attention more to the present.
Don’t get stuck with an image of you in the past or future. You need to realise that there is only Now and no other time is real.
The past was Now at some point and the future will be Now.
Now is the only real setting there is – so bring your attention to it and enjoy it.
Look around you, focus on what your senses are feeling and even act surprised as if you just found out you exist.
Again, meditation is incredibly powerful in cultivating this for daily mindset.
Those are 5 things from me, I hope you will find something useful in them. Remember – let your ego fall and let unconditional love rise – for yourself and for others. you cannot truly love others unless you’ve learned to love yourself first. You must put oxygen mask on yourself first before putting it on others.
How to love yourself now?
Self Love seems to be the big buzzword these days in the spiritual and self improvement communities. It sounds great, but exactly how does one love themselves?
Some people repeat the phrase, ‘I love myself’ – but this really does nothing. But if you really think about it, its actually quite simple. If you love yourself, you treat yourself exactly how you would treat someone you truly love or care about deeply.
It could your SO, your child, your parents, your grandma, your best friends or even your pets. Thats all there is to it!
So I decided to put together a list of specific actions or things that we can do today to really show that we love ourselves.
–Don’t criticize yourself.
We all screw up sometimes. When a friend screws up you don’t berate them with belittling and hateful remarks; so why do that to yourself? Be mindful of your self-talk.
–Celebrate your victories!
When something good happens in your life, celebrate. Just like when your kid scores a big goal in their soccer game, you are joyful and proud. So be proud of yourself during your ‘moments’.
We all make mistakes – don’t wallow in guilt forever. Just like we are told to forgive others, forgive yourself for f**ks sake. You can still correct your behavior, but forgive yourself dammit – you are an imperfect human, not a robot.
–Be your best friend.
When your best friend is having a bad day, you try to cheer them up, maybe buy them a coffee. Do that for yourself during your bad days.
–Take care of your health.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a strict vegan. Just take care of your body and mind because its something you value and your don’t want it to suffer.
–Be kind to others.
But what does this have to do with self love? Well, people who are comfortable in their own skin, are usually cheerful and kind to others. Its a reflection of your state of mind.
–Look everyone straight in the eyes.
Don’t feel that you are below others. Looking at people straight in the eyes means you are at their level. It doesn’t matter who it is, the store clerk, your boss or the Queen of England.
We are all One. Love yourself and love others! All the best with your beautiful journey !!!