* I generally write using the pronouns he/him when referring to narcissists, but females are just as likely to be narcissists or exhibit narcissistic traits. So please don't think just because article uses the word him or he that it could not be a woman in that same role.
I think a good way for one discern whether or not he or she is a narcissist is to be truly understand the red flags, characteristics and traits of a narcissist.
Table of Contents
- This list identifies some of the significant red flags/ characteristics/ traits
- The narcissist will assert the he or she has been victimized by:
- Emotions Most Narcissist Do Not Feel:
- Emotions the Narcissist Does Feel:
- The Narcissist Expects Significant Other (SO) to treat the narcissist with:
- Maladaptive Coping Mechanism Utilized:
- Compares SO to others via Triangulation:
- Favorite Defenses:
- According to the narcissist, displaying emotions is a sign of.…
- Narcissist does not discuss relationship history.
- Often prefers SO’s who are…
- Narcissist does not introduce his current SO to…
- Cell Phone Habits:
- Intense disdain for true self which is considered…
- Computer Habits Suspect:
- You can get an idea about whether you are a Narcissist by asking yourself a these 52 questions and answering honestly:
This list identifies some of the significant red flags/ characteristics/ traits
The narcissist will assert the he or she has been victimized by:
Emotions Most Narcissist Do Not Feel:
Emotions the Narcissist Does Feel:
- Shame brought on by potential perceptions of others
The Narcissist Expects Significant Other (SO) to treat the narcissist with:
Maladaptive Coping Mechanism Utilized:
- Silent treatment
Compares SO to others via Triangulation:
Do as I say; do not do as I do. The narcissist does what he wants to do, when he wants do it, with whomever he wants to do it with. Hypocrisy Boulevard is one way street.
Spoils Birthdays and Holidays:
The narcissists creed– “If I a am not the center of attention, I am going be throw “a wet blanket” over the event.”
Job and Relationships:
short-term and highly tempestuous–there will be no shortage of drama, trauma, and chaos.
Texts and Phone Calls:
When the narcissist calls or texts, the SO better respond without delay. On the other hand, when the SO calls or texts the narcissist, the narcissist will get to it when he gets to it.
None given as the significant other (SO) is always at fault. The narcissist has no regrets, feels no remorse/contrition, and admits to no vulnerabilities.
- blame shifting
- silent treatment
Intimacy: Post love bombing phase, the narcissist finds intimacy to be.…
According to the narcissist, displaying emotions is a sign of.…
- a whiner
- an immature person
- pathetic behavior
- a cry baby
- childish behavior
Frequently has financial woes…
- not apt to repay loans
- forgets wallet
- vanishes when check arrives
- will assert the SO will get paid back in the future
Narcissist does not discuss relationship history.
Often prefers SO’s who are…
- fair minded
- aspires to try to always maintain personal and relationship integrity
Often prone not to be faithful
- one night stands
- sex may be used as a weapon
- hook ups with strangers
- sex may be used to exert power and control
- if somatic narcissist will hook up for revenge and w/o being selective
Narcissist does not introduce his current SO to…
- former SOs
Cell Phone Habits:
- takes phone to bathroom
- always places phone face down
- does not leave phone out when it’s being charged
- tells SO not to text but rather email
- has multiple email and texts addresses
- turns ringer off/leaves phone on silent mode
- speaks to people so that he can not be heard
- has more than one phone
- has apps for dating sites used
- frequently checking phone
- constantly making remarks about how SO is doing sneaky things with his or her cell phone
Intense disdain for true self which is considered…
- “too soft”
- less than
- too emotional
When angry with SO, will accuse SO of being…
- “too soft”
- less than
- too emotional
Physical Intimacy ASAP:
•comments made about hyper sexuality
•discussions about additional people involved in sexual escapades
•will discuss pushing boundaries sexually — eager to try new things
•sex often is ace card to expedite the NT SO’s emotional vesting
Computer Habits Suspect:
- not allowing SO to see what is on screen
- history is cleared after narcissist uses
- multiple email addresses
- dating sites
- social media hook ups
- computer is apparently a boon for narcissistic supply
- hovers when SO using computer
- asking SO passwords but not providing same
- puppet accounts
*narcissists not aware SOs cousin or friend knows narcissist by as both narc and SO using different names; 3 degrees of separation.
•Vagueness about past relationships.
•Narcissist vacillates between grandiose self-perception and self loathing.
•Finances often in poor shape.
•Very few, if any, close friends.
•Multiple abortions; multiple children with different mothers.
•Expensive gifts and holidays.
- schools attended
- graduation dates
- awards received
- programs took part in
In order give a person a sense as to whether he is or is not a narcissist, I suggest he stop reading and/or researching about anything to do with narcissists and narcissism.
Thereafter, he should take deep breath, clear his mind, and read the following questions. The person should not over analyze the questions and simply write out his responses to the best of his ability.
You can get an idea about whether you are a Narcissist by asking yourself a these 52 questions and answering honestly:
1. Do you feel like you’re the only one of a kind?
2. Is life boring? Do you like to change things and re-shuffle often?
3. Do you feel lonely even when in the company of those you acknowledge as your friends?
4. Do you secretly believe you have a higher call to fulfill some destiny?
5. Are you very good at delegating tasks that you wouldn’t know how to handle yourself?
6. Is it sometimes necessary to hurt people?
7. Are you very respectful of other’s views and interests as to the point where you don’t care at all?
8. Do you come across as arrogant to some?
9. Do you find it difficult to commit to relationships?
10. When you are with someone do you feel you need them, and when that feeling fades it’s time to move on?
11. Do you very often come on the upper side of arguments?
12. Is a bit of drama sometimes a good thing to break boredom?
13. People that hurt you, often get what they deserve back from you?
14. Think about the latest problematic things at work or at home. Do you find it likely that they were caused by others around you?
15. Do you generally believe strongly in your entitlement (as a citizen, as a buyer, as a son, as a parent)?
16. Are coworkers profiting from your company more than you do from theirs?
17. Even on a relationship, are you always open to meeting new people -at least to picture out how it would be to change?
18. Do you feel your job is requested a lot, and do you often consider proposals from different companies?
19. Do you have a generally great talent at any new things, and then get bored and abandon them? (languages, hobbies, sports).
20. Do you usually find your job, your relationship, your family, to be anchors that limit your development?
21. Would you say whatever good or bad you are, you owe it primarily to yourself and only secondarily to your family of origin, growing up, etc?
22. Does it just happen that the acquaintances you prefer happen to be the ones that are most interested in listening to your stories?
23. Are you bad at saving money?
24. If you have responsibilities with others, do you prefer to handle them directly rather than giving them money (allowances, alimony, support)?
25. Would your friends be almost always better off listening to you?
26. Do you feel particularly lucky that some people in your life are amazingly remarkable (good looking, smart, successful)?
27. When you come into a room, do you automatically rank order everyone you see according to your most important status hierarchy? For example, if we use thinness or money and power as examples:
28. Do you look up to the thin people and down on the fat people?
29. Or do you know and care deeply about who has the most money or power and where you stand in this hierarchy?
30. Are you insulted by the idea of being considered average?
31. Do you care deeply whether other people think you are special?
32. Are you very easy to insult?
33. Do you often put other people down? (Never mind for the moment whether in your opinion they deserve it).
34. Do you find it very difficult to listen when other people are talking about themselves?
35. Are you often envious when other people seem to have more than you?
36. Do you worry whether you are good enough?
37. Are you frequently impatient with other people?
38. Do you use the word “sh*t” a lot—”This is sh*tty,” “He is a piece of “sh*t,” “I’m not going to let him “sh*t” all over me like that”?
39. Does your self-esteem fluctuate on a daily basis—going up when you get praised and down when you feel dismissed by other people, or you notice some flaw in yourself?
40. Is it hard for you to apologize when you know you have behaved badly?
41. It’s probably unlikely that a narcissist would be concerned with being one… or bother asking the question. But… I would ask a few more of the following questions:
42. Do you find yourself frequently resentful of other people?
43. Do you constantly feel as though you are the victim in almost all circumstances?
44. Do you often feel attacked when others do not share your assessment?
45. Do you accept responsibility for your actions or shift responsibility to circumstance, whatever they may be?
46. Are you highly guarded about your image to the point where penetrating this image you project is impossible to the point where nobody is given full access in your opinion?
47. Are you highly cynical of people or of humanity?
48. Are you constantly questioning other people’s motives, regardless of what they tell you?
49. Are you capable of trust in any capacity?
50. Are you frequently irritated, frustrated, or annoyed by day to day inconveniences, even if they feel justified?
51. Are you highly argumentative, or disagreeable?
52. Have your relationships been consistently rocky, filled with arguments and disagreements, perhaps jealousy, distrust, and infidelity… even if justified?
Thats a decent start.
To be a real narcissist, with actual NPD, you would probably habe to answer yes to every single one of these.
The problem is that narcissists often lack the self awareness to answer honestly, I tried my best to phrase them in ways that doesn’t result in your answer being too guarded.
Most narcissists, real ones, aren’t self admitted, but are merely exposed by others who observe their natural behavior in time.
The more “yeses” you have to these questions, the more likely you are to be suffering with Narcissistic issues or that you are using Narcissistic strategies to cope.