* I generally write using the pronouns he/him when referring to narcissists, but females are just as likely to be narcissists or exhibit narcissistic traits. So please don't think just because article uses the word him or he that it could not be a woman in that same role.
Understanding Gaslighting: Recognizing and Overcoming Emotional Manipulation
Gaslighting phrases are a form of manipulation often used by narcissists or those exhibiting manipulative behaviors. Gaslighting undermines an individual’s trust in their memories in relationships, whether with romantic partners or friends. Understanding the nuances of gaslighting involves recognizing and protecting oneself from its damaging effects.
Understanding Gaslighting: Recognizing and Overcoming Emotional Manipulation
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation often used by narcissists, toxic people, or those exhibiting manipulative behaviors. In relationships, whether with family members, romantic partners, or even friends, gaslighting undermines an individual’s trust in their own reality, memories, and mental state. Understanding the nuances of gaslighting is the first step toward recognizing and protecting oneself from its damaging effects.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychological term for a specific form of manipulation, where an abuser distorts reality in ways that erode their victim’s sense of self-worth and trust in their own perceptions. The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, where a husband makes subtle changes to his surroundings, dimming the gaslights in their home and denying it when his wife notices. The intent is to make her question her own reality and mental state.
A Brief History of the Term “Gaslighting”
The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 British play Gas Light, in which a husband subtly manipulates his wife, causing her to question her sanity. Over time, the term has come to represent any systematic attempt to manipulate a person’s sense of reality, especially in relationships involving individuals with narcissistic tendencies.
Recognizing Gaslighting in Relationships
Gaslighting is often seen in romantic relationships and abusive relationships of all kinds. The gaslighting person seeks to control their partner’s perception of reality by using manipulation tactics that generate cognitive dissonance, or discomfort between what one sees and what one is told. By using specific gaslighting phrases and statements, gaslighters create seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind, causing them to question their own memory, feelings, and perception.
Common Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting includes specific phrases and techniques designed to challenge and undermine a person’s self-trust. Here are some common gaslighting tactics and phrases:
- Denial and Stonewalling
- Common phrases: “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” “Why are you making such a big deal?”
- The gaslighter denies events or memories, creating a sense of doubt in the victim’s own memory.
- Trivializing and Minimizing
- Common phrases: “You’re overreacting,” “It was just a joke,” “You’re too sensitive.”
- By downplaying the victim’s feelings or concerns, the gaslighter belittles their importance, eroding their self-esteem.
- Countering and Contradiction
- Common phrases: “That’s not what happened,” “You never remember things correctly.”
- This tactic involves disputing the victim’s recollections to make them question their reality and sanity.
- Blocking and Diverting
- Common phrases: “I’m not going through this again,” “Why are you bringing up the past?”
- Here, the gaslighter refuses to engage, preventing the victim from validating their feelings or bringing up past incidents.
- Personal Attacks and Projecting
- Common phrases: “You’re crazy,” “You’re paranoid,” “This is all your fault.”
- These statements aim to make the victim feel defective or as though they are the only person responsible for problems in the relationship.
The Psychological Impact of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can have a profound effect on an individual’s mental health, creating a range of emotions such as self-doubt, confusion, and a feeling of isolation. Prolonged gaslighting can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and even PTSD. Victims may feel as though they are “losing their mind” or that they are the one responsible for the abusive behavior.
Recognizing the Red Flags
Some red flags associated with gaslighting in a relationship include:
- Constant Self-Doubt: Victims may start second-guessing their every thought or action.
- Mental Exhaustion: Gaslighting can leave victims feeling mentally foggy, emotionally exhausted, and often confused.
- Isolation: Victims often withdraw from family and friends, feeling that they alone are to blame for issues in the relationship.
- Cycle of Apologies: Victims of gaslighting often find themselves apologizing excessively, even for things that are not their fault.
Why Gaslighting Often Goes Unrecognized
For many victims, the only way to cope with gaslighting is to rationalize or ignore the behavior, especially if it is perpetuated by family members or trusted friends.
This is why recognizing gaslighting can take a long period of time. Additionally, manipulation tactics are often subtle, so recipients may experience reasonable doubt when they try to trust their own perceptions of reality.
Because gaslighters use phrases designed to invalidate the victim’s experiences, victims may start to question if they are “overthinking” or “overreacting.” Trusted friends and a support system can be instrumental in helping victims recognize these patterns.
Like a frog in slowly boiling water, they become accustomed to the insidious warping of their reality, until they no longer recognize their reality or even themselves.
Gaslighting and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Gaslighting is commonly associated with individuals who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), particularly malignant narcissists, who may use gaslighting to gain control and create a power struggle.
This type of relationship often devolves into an abusive relationship where the narcissist thrives on the victim’s confusion and dependence.
Gaslighters use techniques that play on their partner’s vulnerabilities and attack their sense of reality, which is a tactic of abuse commonly seen in narcissistic relationships.
35 Common Gaslighting Phrases
Below are some phrases commonly used by gaslighters to undermine their victims:
- “I did that because I was trying to help you.”
- “That’s not what happened.”
- “You’re crazy.”
- “This is why you don’t have friends.”
- “This is your own fault.”
- “That is hardly important.”
- “That’s not what I meant.”
- “It’s not that big of a deal.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “It was just a joke!”
- “You’re overthinking it.”
- “You’re being paranoid.”
- “You’re making that up.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
- “Everyone agrees with me.”
- “How dare you accuse me of that!”
- “I can’t have any negative emotions around you.”
- “You always blow things out of proportion.”
- “Don’t worry about it right now.”
- “You have no clue.”
- “Who are they going to believe?”
- “You’re not perfect either.”
- “Let’s forgive and forget.”
- “Why are you always bringing up the past?”
- “This is how you treat me after everything I’ve done for you?”
- “We already talked about this—don’t you remember?”
- “You always have to be right.”
- “I think you need counseling.”
- “You have an active imagination.”
- “You think you’re so smart.”
- “You’re not making any sense.”
- “Why are you trying to confuse me?”
- “Get your facts straight.”
- “You never told me that.”
Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting
Taking steps to protect yourself from gaslighting involves awareness and self-trust. Here are some ways to protect your mental health and sense of reality:
- Educate Yourself: Familiarizing yourself with gaslighting tactics can be a powerful tool in protecting yourself from further manipulation. Understanding the term “gaslighting” and its effects is the first step to empowering yourself against it.
- Document and Validate Your Experiences: Journaling can be an effective way to keep track of events as they happen, creating an accurate account that a gaslighter cannot manipulate.
- Seek a Support System: Trusted friends, family members, and support groups provide validation and reassurance that help counteract the self-doubt a gaslighter can create.
- Reinforce Your Boundaries: Clear boundaries are a powerful way to prevent emotional abuse and gaslighting. Recognize that not every reaction needs an explanation and that disengaging can be the best response in certain situations.
- Consider Therapy: A qualified therapist can provide essential support and tools for recognizing and dealing with manipulation tactics, especially in cases involving an intimate partner or family members.
- Focus on Your Emotional Intelligence: Developing emotional intelligence can help you identify when manipulation or other toxic behaviors are taking place, giving you the tools to respond calmly and maintain your own reality.
How To Respond to Gaslighting Phrases
When dealing with a gaslighting person, it’s best to remain calm and avoid engaging in an argument. Responding with phrases like “I remember it differently” or “I understand your perspective” can deflect a gaslighter’s attempts to incite confusion.
As Lesley Koeppel, an expert in emotional abuse, advises, try to remain grounded in your reality and trust yourself, even when dealing with a classic gaslighter sentiment.
Responding to gaslighting requires a calm and collected approach. Here are some strategies:
- Disengage: Avoid arguing or justifying yourself, as this can escalate the situation.
- Reaffirm Your Reality: Say, “I know what I experienced,” to reinforce your trust in your own perceptions.
- Use Neutral Phrases: Statements like “I understand your perspective” can help you disengage without feeding the argument.
As psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis explains, reinforcing your right to your own perspective can help maintain a sense of self and autonomy in the face of gaslighting tactics.
Moving Forward After Gaslighting
If you believe you are in a gaslighting relationship, the best way forward is to rebuild trust in your own experiences. Recognize that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, and just because you are the recipient does not mean that you deserve it or caused it.
Breaking free from the cycle of abuse can be challenging, but it is the only way to regain a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Surrounding yourself with trusted friends and family members, documenting interactions to affirm your reality, and focusing on your mental health are essential steps toward healing.
Escaping a gaslighting relationship and healing from its effects requires awareness and support. Here are some steps to help you regain your sense of self:
- Educate Yourself: Learn about gaslighting and narcissistic behavior so that you can recognize manipulation tactics.
- Seek Support: Lean on trusted friends, family members, or support groups.
- Document Your Interactions: Keeping a record of conversations can help maintain clarity and counter the gaslighter’s denial.
- Consider Professional Help: Therapy can provide valuable coping strategies and help rebuild self-confidence.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is an insidious and manipulative tactic that can erode a person’s confidence, mental health, and sense of reality over time. Recognizing gaslighting phrases and patterns is crucial for protecting oneself from emotional abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting, trust your instincts, seek support, and take steps to reclaim your reality and well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What are some early signs of gaslighting?
Early signs include feeling confused, doubting your memory, frequently apologizing, and questioning your self-worth.
2. Can gaslighting happen outside romantic relationships?
Yes, gaslighting can occur in any relationship, including friendships, family dynamics, and even professional settings.
3. How does gaslighting impact mental health?
Gaslighting can lead to increased anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and a sense of isolation. Over time, it can severely impact a person’s mental well-being and confidence.
4. Is gaslighting always intentional?
While often associated with narcissistic or manipulative individuals, some may gaslight unintentionally due to unresolved issues or insecurity. However, the impact on the victim remains damaging regardless of intent.
5. How can therapy help with recovery from gaslighting?
Therapy can help individuals rebuild trust in their perceptions, set boundaries, and learn effective coping strategies to regain confidence and autonomy.
6. What is the best way to respond to gaslighting?
The most effective response is to stay calm, reaffirm your perception, and avoid arguments. Focus on detaching emotionally and, if possible, disengage from the conversation.
How many of these gaslighting phrases have you heard in your relationships?
Comment below what other gaslighting phrases you have been told and they will be added to the list here to help others recognize the signs of gaslighting and emotional abuse.
This is stupid. Everybody says these things.
Not everyone, but Narcs certainly do.
When they say most of these things or all of them, they have a real problem. I have lived with a person who is this way over 35 years. If one attempts to leave, they tell you they will kill you and they mean it because they have physically hurt you very bad in the past.
Yes! Many people on both sides of the door say these thing! I definitely need to know how to be effective in communication skills which my abuser seems to think I never really listen , say daily over and over again for hours! Shifting guilt to you don’t listen or care. You are an ice queen and say this crap right before you have to go to work while they remain unemployed! I recommend always have a signed lease agreement with a roomie or even a partner prenup. So many predator’s out there who will be so charming until they get what they want and then continue drama and boohoo my life has been so hard and you never once reached out to me. WTF! Someone’s else happiness should not depend on someone else.!
Narcs also have a tendency to declare everyone with a different opinion from theirs “stupid”. I don’t say the vast bulk of these things, even during arguments, because I’ve learned manners. For instance, instead of “Why are you letting something so petty come between us?” I say “I didn’t think it was a big deal, but it obviously is to you, so I won’t do that anymore.” If you have a partner who phrases things like that, yet you can’t, then you don’t deserve that partner. She would be wise to read this list and get away from you.
You clearly don’t understand. It’s not just about the phrase, it’s about using the phrase to deny reality and place blame on the victim to avoid any accountability and maintain control of the victim.
It’s teh amount of them said over and over again and how they are said. A a child my Dad’s old spice after shave would ‘disappear’ I had nothing to do with it, but I’d always get blamed for it. My dad was doing this on purpose to pit my sister against me and make her think that I was trying to make him angry by defying him. He’s also move around the brushes, tooth brushes, toothpaste, and stuff in the kitchen so he could yell at me about it when my older sister was there.
He’d often say that my memory was bad and that I didn’t remember. He did these kind of things for years, even got the teachers on board, the family the doctors all so later on he could get me on SSDI and collect a god damn monthly check.
I love him as a daughter, and also hate him and hope he’s spending some time burning in hell. It took me over ten years in therapy to partially heal and start to be a whole person.
That’s just a small portion of the things he did.
I remember talking with him about some idea I thought up. His reply was “You, have ideas?”
What a nice thing for a dad to say to his daughter. (Screech out the you and make it very sarcastic.) Don’t even start me on what he did to my poor mother. :(
Yes, these are absolutely narc phrases!
I abuse Children. My own sons now on to the granddaughters. My son Michael is also abusive.
Oh my goodness these are ridiculous. There are a handful of manipulative comments bit mostly they are just comments made in tense arguments.
Not necessarily narcs.
Things have to be said on life.
Why don’t you offer an alternative in context?
That might help people more.
So if someone is just flat out lying or wrong how can I say that is not what happened w/o gaslighting?
My Moms favorites are; ” everybody knows…
I sacrificed everything for you!…you and your husband are crazy….everybody likes me…you know Ive never been hateful to anyone….they are my family now”
..
Yes we all say some of these things.
But when someone says it to manipulate it’s gaslighting.
For example, my husband does it all the time. Today he used the phrase” oh o can never say anything. , then “ you are too sensitive” “ just get over it”. All this after he was rudely making fun of my disability in a store. Yep, he was manipulating and trying to make it my fault.
I absolutely agree with you! I have said many of these things to my son whom I suspect may be suffering from BPD. He is often irrational, and will attack me with things that either did not happen or have been twisted to fit his account. I have learned to bite my tongue, not fire back, and understand that perhaps he cannot help himself when he says hurtful and untrue things-they still hurt my Mama heart because I love him
Thank you, I appreciate you.
Did it ever occure to anyone that praying for your loved one who has these traits is more helpful than pointing out faults that each of us has? Start looking within yourselves. None of us are perfect.
Yes, on numerous occasions. Talk with my Priest. It has not helped one bit! When someone is this bad for such a long time, they will not change.
You have obviously never dealt with a true narcissist or you are perhaps one yourself. It’s abuse. They are controlling, manipulative, lack empathy and never feel remorseful for anything they do. Emotionally stunted and entitled. Evil and intentional. Irresponsible and dismissive. Entitled, unable to make a real connection, and mine surely has a lie quota he must reach daily…..and these are not even his worst qualities. These “people” have no soul
I can tell you right now, I have prayed for my husband. Every time he hit me, abused me, hit our children, abused our children , I know I’m not perfect , I also know I’m not cruel. I’m done praying for him, now I pray for my children and the damage inflicted upon them.
You clearly are not reading correctly, these are not faults we are trying to live with. It is abuse
FULL on abuse.
Walk in my shoes …
wow, you’ve obviously either 1) never been exposed to narcissistic abuse, or 2) are one yourself and don’t know.
Try reading the Bible, god doesn’t want people to just put up with being hurt! If you’re being treated badly and the other person has no intention of ever trying to be a good person it us okay to leave.
Just remembered a weird gaslighting comment my dad said after I asked him why he only bought blad foods:
“People with weak taste buds need strong flavors as they can’t taste anything. ”
Thus topic was about why didn’t buy anything mire spicy then black pepper or even sour stuff like krawt!
I can’t remember all if it but it had something to do with him feeling like he was a stronger man because he didn’t eat those foods.
So no Mexican food, no spicy oriental foods, nothing sour or tangy.
Oh right the fresh produce: he only bought apples, bananas, potatoes, celery, carrots iceburg lettuce and oranges.
As an adult I dived head first into the world of food, my first Ruben blew my mind. xD
This is just with food.
He’d often say things like:
“I’m going to put you in a nursing home as you won’t be able to take care of yourself when I die!”
(I have a hearing loss so apparently I’m too stupid to live in my own in his mind…”
Oh look at this yave my iwn apartment, a 13 year old son, a boyfriend and a cat!
F you dad! (And I still love you even if you are twisted.)
Poor dad, what did grandma and grandpa do to you? :(
My exes favorite was “Get over it” . Meaning I wasn’t supposed to bring up any thing he did to me.
How about “its no big deal” or “youre making things up in your head again” “psycho bitch” “where do you come up with these scenarios” “I did nothing wrong” “why do you always want to fight”? Heres more characteristics I believe. One minute mean and abusive. Five minutes (literally) sweet and acts like nothing happened. A few minutes later mean and abusive again in a cycle. Crazy making shit. Denial invalidation justify dismiss and blame.
This is exactly what my husband. Son to be ex husband says to me. And he is like Jeykel & Hyde. So so true.
Soon not son
And Dr Jekyll is the act
You are nothing no one wants you . You are nothing without me you stupid Bi**h . Etc.
WTH, everybody says stuff like this. Sometimes it’s true. A commwnt like “I never said that” goes both ways.
But really read article to see what gaslighting is intss not saying some of these phrases . It’s using the phrases to manipulate .
My ex broke my glasses so he could be with the side chic three doors down and say it was his hos daughter outside with him he had the nerve enough to have me walk to his parents house and stand in the rd so he could give something and kiss side chic on the lips and slap her ass with curtains wide open then tell me I thought I saw this that it was his daughter the were wrestling around that I was blind and beat me when I said I know what I saw. And that we were done. This was two months ago I moved he is still stalking,threating , trying to lie fighting me then calling cops on me saying it’s me when I try to get the rest of my stuff from what was once my house never his. So if your glasses are missing alot or get broke while missing or end up broke some were you didn’t put them best believe you have been gaslighted and the but honey I didn’t do that you know you can’t see and are blind when you don’t have your glasses on. That was my daughter I can’t believe you think that I would never do that to you I lbrookove you why are you doing this to us I love you you just don’t love me anymore your killing me over something you thought you saw bullshit is exactly what I just called it gaslighting bullshit.
Aw I feel for you. That is definitely narcissistic.
“As usual, Make me look like the bad guy”
“I’ll tell you what happened, we both know you have a bad memory”
“When I get to heaven I’m going to punch god in the face”
If people say or do some of the things on the narc list and say “everybody does it” they are wrong. If you find yourself thinking the someone else in your life is “oversensitive” maybe YOU are the narcissist. Specifically if like labeling people that more often than not. I don’t know how many times I have had a nasty comment or had a vicious attitude change attributed to “having to look at you” from my ex only to be told by him “It was only a joke. Don’t be so damn sensitive.” Right. I am so glad he is gone. I am done . But the damage he did goes down to my soul.
Ask them, do you know everybody?
When I say “jump”, you say how high on the way up.
I brought you into this world, and g-dammit, I can take you right out of it.
Shut your mouth before I put my fist right into it.
This again? You’re such a broken record.
You never know when to quit.
I’ll give you something to cry about.
It’s my way or the highway.
I’ve had years of “it’s your hormones” every time I didn’t agree with him, as well as many of the others in the list. That should definitely be on the list. When I reached menopause, he blamed that. I avoided bathing to avoid the sexual abuse. Left in September. Trying to protect son in court as he wants contact, son doesn’t. Abuse and gaslighting was so gradual. Still stressful now but hope to be free soon. Protecting son is priority.
I’m in menopause and he calls me crazy and useless even though I’ve worked for 30 years full-time and raised 3 kids but he wanted me to stay home this last year. Now I’m a no good stupid B***h. I left last month, me & my daughter. I’ll never go back to that abuse. My daughter doesn’t need to see me upset all the time.
My mother made hurtful comments throughout my life such as “if you would only apply yourself you could be as smart as your sister” and “I can read you like a book”, ” I know you better than you know yourself!” “You’re gonna have to account for every word that comes out of your mouth!” “YOU have a sharp tongue!” and on and on and on. I really think she projected her insecurities onto me.
“It is what it is”
My ex I left 10 years ago was a narc. He did all of the above. I wasnt allowed to work, have friends, mingle with family. After all these years it hurts to see the same personality in my son of 17.
I did say to him that I have done everything for him in his life, but I get nothing in return. I didnt say that because I am the narc. I said that as a scream for helplessnes. Because he does nothing to show any respect towards me, calls me a whore even though I am a happily married woman. I can name a list of things he says, which are so untrue and manipulative. He has no friends at all, because they avoid him when they get to know him better. His girlfriends leave him because he threathens to kill himself if they dont do what he wants. It is with a heavy heart that a month ago he left my house to go live with his dad.
This article only talks about narc parents or partners. But it starts with children.
You are clearly the typical narc here. You just mentioned how you used phrases NARCs use to abuse their children. Furthermore, the person responsible for a bad parent to child relationship is the PARENT first.
If you caused your child to lash out at you, it was by your own doing. Instead of blaming a literal CHILD, how about you look in the mirror stop with the cognitive dissonance.
Fix your shit or don’t, but YOU are most likely the issue here and it’s disgusting that an abuser would come on here to try and get people to bandwagon on child abuse. Disgusting.
I am only 19, and I was emotionally abused for over 6 months. He had no one. No parents, and I was trying to be a good friend but we used to date and when we broke up that’s when the intense emotional abuse happened. Here are some emotionally abusive things( most are gaslighting I think) I have had said to me while I
was trying to be his close friend:
– “Bc you were overthinking it” and “No you’re overthinking it”
– “Yes you are. Keep the peace” -bc he ALWAYS insisted I was the one making things bigger than they were and causing fights
– “U literally turned urself into a victim”
– “See you’re doing it again. Playing Victim” and “And so you’re the victim the rest of your life”
-” Bc I know deep down in your head you think I’m the full on bad guy”
– ” I liked our friendship….but at the end of the day its gotta be over as usual”- always made me feel like the bad guy, especially when I tried to remove myself from the friendship
-” You always want to kill it” “You always blame me” “You always [insert behavior]”
-“Great thanks for ending things off emotion as usual.”
-“Since we are such a bad friendship cut it off like you always do. No matter the great places we’ve been to and great memories we made. End it”
-“It’s toxic. It’s toxic. Ig one night is enough to get blocked”
-“Great now you’re gonna claim r8pe”
-“Ig I’m just always the villain in these stories”
– He says he doesn’t remember grabbing my A$$- I have had my memories messed with by him, but I remember as clear as day that he did this action. I don’t remember leading up things to it, just the action and what he said before the action.
If you liked these please comment. I wanna help people escape toxicity quicker than I did.
Please say how you can help…. Please!!!!!
You are all about sex and money. I can never do anything right . That message was a year ago to that woman. You don’t know what you are talking about.
after 17 yrs of marriage,and years of depression.finally was told about talking therapies by my gp,had never heard of gaslighting apart from the street lights. i found it really hard to believe that my marriage had been controled all this time but the more i learnt the more it became clear i was being abused. what made it harder still is that i,m a bloke and shit like this just do,sent happen wrong it do,s. glad i found out,got oyt of the marriage and am making a new life.if you suspect your being gaslighted male or female dont question it cause if you think it you probably are.dont be afraid to seek help.
I cant do nothing right in your eyes, im always wrong always….
Or how about they ask you what is bothering you and as you start to talk they talk at the same time start to confuse you and you end up losing your cool and you get called a whiny b#tch…go ahead play the victim..you’re crazy you need help you need medicine not me…you’re always miserable..or they send you pictures with other females to you kissing and making jokes then come crying back in a week and blame it on drugs or them..promise to change and 3 days later your trash again and telling others how you cheated on them or gave them drugs left them to die in all reality that never happened..does things for others that they promised you and send you text messages making fun of you for it saying they hate your guts you make them sick and by evening come crying and tells you that you are nothing but a good time never did care
I’m in menopause and he calls me crazy and useless even though I’ve worked for 30 years full-time and raised 3 kids but he wanted me to stay home this last year. Now I’m a no good stupid B***h. I left last month, me & my daughter. I’ll never go back to that abuse. My daughter doesn’t need to see me upset all the time.
“You need to let the little things go”
Little to them isn’t little to me, they seem to not realize that everyone perceives things differently.
“You need to let the little things go”
-Or-
“Don’t sweat the small stuff”
Little to them isn’t little to me, they seem to not realize that everyone perceives things differently.
All of these, but I’ve been with him for over 14 years now. Just this morning he said that I was gaslighting when out of nowhere (I had JUsT got up and was making our daughters school lunch) that I was denying something? Then when I said what? What did I say or do? What did you ask me? (I had no idea what he was accusing me of he came from an overnight shift and we were joking around and everything and I thought when he said this),”your gaslighting ME” I joked and said, “no that’s your signature move”. And I asked if he even know what that means and I asked him what was it that I said or did that made him feel that way, every time I tried to ask (because I didn’t even know what he was talking about) he kept talking over me and than said,” see you do that you try to fake that you did anything”! I had just got up, he had just come home, he was fine until he was getting ready for bed. He came over and I was in t he kitchen, he was talking about our cats, he leaned against the kitchen doorframe, crossed his arms and then he accused me of something, I didn’t hear what he said, then he said the gaslighting remark after I asked what he was asking me. It’s always up and down with him. Every day, every night I have NO idea when he’s in a bad mood.(unless he’s laughing his face always looks blank, like at rest) so it’s hard to tell what and how he’s feeling. I’ve had to talk him down from getting upset with me when he “reads between the lines”. When I defend myself because I know he’s being unfair, unjust, or he’s just plain wrong, he says I’m being dramatic, that I’m forgetful, brings up stuff I’ve done the day before or that I always make him the bad guy. Now hear me out, I am the type of person that is happy and stays happy when the people I love are happy around me. I don’t cater to people because I have to, I love doing things for the people I love. If I get up I ask if they want a drink, going to the store I’ll ask if they need anything. If he’s in a bad mood I usually feel crumby etc etc and so on. Sometimes he’ll talk over me so much that I feel like I have to raise my voice over his, or that I’m forced to cut him off while he talks because he just doesn’t let me get a word in. Then in almost every disagreement, he talks so fast that he mixes me up and I forget what I was getting too, what my point was….then he always says “see, your just starting a fight for the sake of fighting”. ……I am his only friend. He has a great relationship with his brother, his mom(father deceased when my hubs was 21) his dad was also a drinker and moved a lot. My hubs used to basically have rule of his life at at least 8. My hubs also used to drink but hasn’t for years after finally kicking the habit.(he used to do drugs too the harder ones but stopped) I see him act this way with our daughter sometimes so I jump in to try an change the situation. It’s come tot he point that I’m so triggered that even if he’s reprimanding our daughter, but it’s a normal parental correction, I still feel like I have to jump in and defend our daughter…and of course because that time it’s a “normal” conversation, he uses it against me as proof that I always want to fight. He gets paranoid when I could be talking about how he’s doing. Me-“how was your sleep, did you eat breakfast yet?” Him-“ Why, why do you want to know?” And he’ll have this tone and give a face that’s seems like he’s ready to tell me off if I’m asking because I’m “hinting” at him be hangry or tired. When I just want to know how he is doing. He can be such a great dad and he’s done so much for himself and me. When we finally feel like life is going well (and yes I have verbally told my daughter and my hubs that hey it’s a good day today, no fighting, and he’ll agree) just….who says that? And I KNOW I’m not crazy, my daughter complains all the time that she can’t say anything in an unfair argument unless I intervene because he doesn’t listen to her.
I am so confused and lost, I have no idea what to do (I can’t live on my own because I don’t have the money for it) he drives and i have suffered from panic attacks and also can’t afford a car so I bus everywhere or walk. I see my family of course my hubs never hits/or restraints me from friends or family, ever. I see his mom and brother a ton (good people I love them) he has seen my family (like stayed for longer than 30 mins) since our daughter was born maybe 6-8 times, In 14 years. He is either to tired from work, has a day off and works the next night so wants to do his thing, or just straight up doesn’t want to drive there(always a sore spot with me because my family is everything and they’ve ALWAYS been kind to him always) my sister has made a point of joking that she’ll eventually have to kidnap him from work and my dad has told me to tell him that he loves him and to say hello. I have had countless emails, texts and conversations with him where he will ADMIT that he’s being like this and that he will do better (and in some cases some things have been fixed so far, but others just show up after about a day or two) then it just goes back to the same thing over and over. I’ve cried, I’ve complained, I’ve gotten mad, I’ve pleaded…..I’ve even said I’d leave him if we did t seek counseling….he said he’s try since I have benefits that cover that kind of thing, and when I ask him for a few days that are best for him he just gets cranky with me that he’ll get to it. We haven’t been yet and it’s been three months or more since I brought it up. I can’t see myself leaving him because I DO love him. I know what he’s doing isn’t okay and I know how he sometimes talks to our kid isn’t okay. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do when you don’t like the person you love and feel like if you leave you’ll not only ruin something because of nothing or damage your kid and ruin her life. If you can get out while your young or old, the first signs you see LEAVE. Don’t get stuck like me, don’t feel like your the reason your partner treats you like crap. They may deep down want to change, but after 14 plus years I’ve seen very little progress towards me. Please find your safe space. ❤️
You wouldn’t be leaving him for “nothing” you be leaving him because you don’t deserve to love someone who makes you feel any less than how you try to make them feel. He shouldn’t just want to do better he’s saying it’s not important enough to change and you are important. I hope u get the courage to walk away from him. You deserve better so does your daughter. By staying. You are teaching her that that’s what relationships look like and she’s going to find a guy that makes her feel that way too
I am here if you want to talk. I feel like I’m going through something similar. I don’t know if it’s intentional or just some very bad decisions and poor judgement.
I’m torn in between thinking that I had too much emotional baggage, and trauma from failing in a my previous 2 marriages.
So anytime.. just write to me.
Also, we’ve together for 8 years. We have 2 daughters together. So I’m mostly worried for them.
Hi Amanda, I hear you. I really hear you! You are not alone, but you are clearly at the point of feeling like you are…. and that you might be gong crazy? I know, Ive been there. I have some advise based on experience if you would like to try it. I was given it and I took it and it worked. It was not easy and took a great deal of self restraint and quiet tears.
No matter how much you may deny it, you are “enabling ” your husband to be like he is and you afraid/ or don’t know how to “stop” incase you end up alone??
The harsh reality of your situation is to “stop enabling” or “leave the relationship”.
He won’t change and you are enabling him to continue. You are fixing, finding, defending, etc etc.
Talk to your daughter and get her on board with a plan to defuse him at every point. It is possible, but will take time and self confidence, but you CAN do it and it CAN work.
So here’s what to do……..
When bad situatons/arguments/misunderstanding start developing, YOU must calmly intercept and tell him that you are “stepping out for a bit, ….and will be back when you are feeling less frustrated by the situation” Turn off the stove, (or what ever you are doing?)and take some time out. Don’t argue or defend yourself or get angry or snappy or proceed with the conversation. “Defuse him” and the situaton by being calm. Make sure you let him know that you are frustrated and don’t want your frustration to accellerate into anger as you do not want any “drama” for either of you and tell him that you wll be back soon when you feel less frustrated. Kiss him on the way past and leave the room calmly. Come back when you feel better and let him know you are back. Smile and hug him if it’s appropriate. If he chooses to persist with the same argument/confrontation and be agressive ….do the same thing again. Be the better person, keep defusing him. YOur daughter needs to do the same thing…so as to create a common, non confontational defusion. By using this technique you are no longer “enabling” him.
It’s not easy, but you and your daughter can both do it.
Support each other on this point.
He will hopefully get the message that he cannot “push your buttons” any more.
You say he is non violent and that he loves you….so you have nothing to lose by trying.
Im not defending his behaviour what so ever.
If you choose to leave, you WILL survive in freedom, which is certainly easier than exsisting in confusion, self doubt and abuse.
You cannot truly love anyone till you truly love yourself.
Take care of yourself and time for yourself, stop doing EVERYTHING for him and allow him to have time alone. Look after your health and self asteem and seek professional help for yourself (even if he won’t go with you?) You are entitled to it. Look online. “Beyond Blue” is a great start. Ring them and chat, they will listen and give you advise. Don’t forget who you are….You are Amanda. :)
The worst one for me was, being told, that never happened, I would of remembered that, then just be made out to be the crazy one, when you know 4 a fact what happened, and you know for a fact, they know too, just dont wanna admit to it.
“That’s just your version of events”
“Independence is so passe”
I was told, “Just because you don’t see my car it doesn’t mean it’s not there.”, when she was brought home by someone else. As if my own eyes aren’t seeing what is actually in front of them. Narcissists are just demons in carnate. You know who you are TRCS.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past, but didn’t encounter very much of this specific behavior. My problem now is it is coming from my boss at work. I used to love my job, but now I’m miserable. I don’t want to quit and let her win, but what can I do?
if you want to stay you need to document EVERYTHING. Cover you tracks, don’t be late, get projects done on time. Don’t give your boss any reason to fire you. Don’t let them angerbyou or make you cry. They love to destroy a person. if that doesn’t work ( it probably won’t) then you need to find another job. these kind-of people never stop until they get what they want. good luck!
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I’m not yelling at you I’m just really passionate
I live with a narcissistic person, but some if the phrases that are on this list would not always be attributed to a narcissist. Some if them are attributed to a victim. Do a little better reseach, because context matters and these phrases are disordered and taken out of context.
To be honest, I am surprised at how many people claim this isn’t real and how ‘normal’ this is. This is not just speaking truth, or life. This is manipulation as psychological abuse. IF it is used around you, to you, or your actively manipulating people this way, just know this is not okay. the long term affects can be detrimental to your mental health.
Yes, to live with someone like this has definitely put my self and our children in emotional confusion and stressful living situation.
It’s offensive to read people say that only narc say these comments. Uhm, I’ve said a few of these comments to my abusive husband (he’s not physically abusive anymore, but the other abuse he has mastered). And I have a daughter and my own mother that are very cruel narcissists. And emotionally abusive. So, some of these statements ARE said to the ones that ARE abusing them also.
Stop being aggressive ( when I’m.not being aggressive)
When you hurt yourself (when I was hurt by them)
Refusing to tAlk about a situation, instead answering with a question, or a silly, strange remark, or just plain ignoring
WAlking past me when I am talking to him, behaving like he can’t see it hear me
Saying, I’m doing this for you….
Whatever he is choosing to do
Leaving without saying goodbye
Not letting (with our children) know where he is going or for how long
Not responding to a call or text, all day long
Saying he is ready, feeling better, we can come back, 5 days after he told me and me children to leave ‘his’ home
Telling me he never wanted to……..(name the event that we, wife and children are looking forward to)
You never….
I’ve put up with your…… shouting, abuse (name something I don’t do, but he does in here) for years
Your daughters are bad, just like you
She deserved it
She started it
I didn’t do it
Stop being aggressive
Stop shouting at me
‘……
When I am not shouting, I am questioning a situation that appeared dangerous
It’s been 35 years of being with my husband and 34 years of physical abuse, emotional, mental, psychological, financial, and spiritual abuse and neglect. I am in my 50’s now. Everything is in my name, I’ve worked, gone to school, provided everything. He has barely worked and I’ve had his children. He cheated multiple times, lied, gaslighted and is narcissistic. I confronted him about cheating and he denied it, had a child with someone and then told me after the child was 9 years old. He is horrible to me and our children. Says he regrets being with me, calls me a piece of sh@! among other names and says he never wanted to lie but he knew I couldn’t handle the truth. Yes I met up with someone a couple of times literally through the years but never had an emotional or sexual relationship outside of my marriage or sexual when we were dating. I am called the liar and that I had to have been with someone especially with me knowing what he has done but I never have. Am I perfect of course not but I have not at all been like him. 11 years ago I became disabled and HS to stop working and are now collecting disability, he has made fun of my disability, said that I’m lying about what I go through even when there is proof. My advice to all dealing with these behaviors is to get out now, don’t waste your youth or your priceless time. You can never change these people. Loving them does not matter, you cannot help them you can only help yourself. I’m still trying to get out.
Praying that you have the strength to leave. I’m hoping to be out of here by the end of this year. My dog has passed away, I have paid off all my debt. No I am recovering from major surgery. After that I’m going to takeoff for several months and go travel to see friends. While I am gone I am going to tell him everything I know that he has been doing with his infidelity. And I’m going to give him the ultimatum of either selling the house and splitting the proceeds or he can buy me out. I really don’t care. As long as I don’t How to live under the same roof with him anymore. I think God for websites like this. I realize now I am not alone and it’s not me. It’s not me. It’s not us. It is them.
My narc used to start a fight late at night and force me to stay up most of the night. Never apologized but would go buy me a piece of jewelry instead. Then he’d point out that I have everything because of him. I helped raise 9 kids. 3 are mine and the other 6 are from his side. I love those kids like my own, and he would not help me. . Some of them were difficult but it was worth it. We divorced 3 years ago and he has tried to give me “another chance” so many times .
You are acting dumb again, you are so good with doing that
My Moms favorites are; ” everybody knows…
I sacrificed everything for you!…you and your husband are crazy….everybody likes me…you know Ive never been hateful to anyone….they are my family now”
..
In case you are wondering where the term, “Gaslighting” came from, a movie made in 1944 titled, “Gaslight” tells this story: After the death of her famous opera-singing aunt, Paula (Ingrid Bergman) is sent to study in Italy to become a great opera singer as well. While there, she falls in love with the charming Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer). The two return to London, and Paula begins to notice strange goings-on: missing pictures, strange footsteps in the night and gaslights that dim without being touched. As she fights to retain her sanity, her new husband’s intentions come into question. Anton tries to make Paula believe she’s losing it before she figures out what he doesn’t want her knowing. When one uses the term gaslighting in reference to another, they are comparing the person to Anton in the movie. It’s a good one too.
Hi there, some of these phrases really took me back!
I would add another one that my narcissistic boss used to use very often – “It is not what you said but how you said it.” He would trot it out every time I made a valid suggestion that he decided to kill, because he “did not like my tone.”
they can be real jerks, can’t they?
Carla
Yes. I have heard some of these things many times. I was corrected uncounted times about my bad car driving (in his opinion) and lots of other things. He is ADHD/Asperger and extremely impatient. And like one of the other ladies above, I don’t have the money to just walk out. However, I’m working on it. And if it is the last thing I do, I’ll get away from here.
My fiance narc loves to say: “Nobody has ever felt my degree of pain’ ” I’m not as smart as you and your big words” ‘I can’t explain myself correct because I’m not as smart as you” “you know everything right!” ‘I’m not allowed to get mad and have feelings! “
This is my life. 20 years with this gaslighting narcissist. And I too thought he had Asperger syndrome. I see now that he cannot change. He has multiple accounts online with dating apps. He likes to expose himself, cheat on me, and do every other sort of deviant and dark thing because he is so in love with himself. He has said and done every single one of the classic symptoms. And yes I am the true victim. It wasn’t until a couple of friends who had the same problem in a relationship pointed these things out to me. I have been taking steps financially to get out of this relationship. Before the end of this year I will be gone. I feel sorry for him. I gave him everything gladly, but he did not want to receive it. He is the center of his own universe and I am merely incidental in his grand scheme of things.
wow, Amazing Great lists and very inspiring, that is helpful for me thank you.
So want to say this to all the people that are reading this article and posting comments. Unfortunately we have all gathered in the same location because of one common element…we have been victims of mental and emotional abuse. Being a man…and I consider myself a mans man, I too have experienced the roller coaster ride from hell. Sometimes I wish physical abuse over mental abuse. I can take the physical pain, plus the scares are noticeably visible to all…where verbal, mental and emotional abuse show no physical scars. Physical wounds heal with time…but the mental and phycological wounds sometimes do not.
With that said, I would like to tell the good ladies that are reading this that a man understands your pain, understands your hurt, understands your feeling of loneliness and frustration. That no matter how much you express your love and devotion to that F^*&ing s%^&bag, he will never change.
To the guys out there, you are not alone. We also got suckered in by a level of devotion and affection and love like we never felt before. We got addicted to the power of the p&*sy and how it made us feel. And no matter what we do, we will do anything to get it back. Rejection sucks, just know you are not being rejected. Think of it like kicking a meth habit or a coke habit (I never have). But I am sure its the same…euphoria at the beginning, spiral of death for a long time, always looking for that euphoria feeling. Keep your head high everyone.
I think I have an addition to the list. My roommate hasn’t cleaned anything in the shared apartment for over two months. When I mentioned the floors being dirty, they responded, “Just because you don’t see me [cleaning] doesn’t mean I’m not”. So they almost had me feeling guilty for doubting them, BUT I can count every Swiffer pad I have used and it’s the only floor cleaner we have. That’s how they manipulate our feelings. If someone tries to make you feel shame for something so basic, the gray rock needs to be placed!
My boyfriend broke up with me after dating for good 4 years. Our love was so sweet because he was very loving and caring that i never thought we will ever breakup so i gave him all my heart. For Three months, he didn’t border to call or text me. On a faithful day as i was browsing online, i came across a testimony of how Dr. Moonlight helped someone get her ex back and so, i contacted him as well and told him my problem. To paraphrase everything, he brought him back to me and we are both living happily together right now. You can email him: moonlightspellhome@gmail.com if you need his help.
Nice collection of post I appreciate your work
Hi,
Thank you so much for share all the awesome post
“what makes you so special?”- probably my all time favorite one
Thank you for shedding light on gaslighting phrases. It’s important for people to recognize these behaviors and understand the harm they can cause.
my partner has narc traits. Recently he was advising me to do something about a bad neighbour. He said: If you do not record this ‘ they’ will think you are a bat shit crazy old lady.” He has mentioned crazy and old before as if projecting his opinions on to me through another person or group. This way he uses 2 insults – crazy and old. All his exes are ‘ crazy’ too. Not going abroad now to marry him.
I really appreciate your warm thoughts, thank you! I’m happy to hear that you like the post and that you found the material to be useful.
Learning about these deceptive expressions is enlightening and empowering. Survivors sharing their stories and exposing these deceptive strategies is concerning and comforting at the same time. Since knowledge is power, this piece is a great tool for identifying and overcoming narcissistic gaslighting. Let’s keep encouraging one another and spreading the word about these harmful habits. I appreciate you bringing this important subject to light!